The Night Before . . .

For Hope and Faith,

Tonight, as I lay in bed, I find myself unable to sleep.  I feel like a child the night before a trip to Disney World, full of excitement and anticipation.  In about 2.5 months, you should know what that feels like, too.  I look forward to experiencing that and so many other things with the both of you.  Tomorrow should be our final home visit.  The new social worker will come to our home and do a safety check and make sure that we will be a good family for the two of you and any other children who God sends our way.  I have felt all along that you would both be in our arms and home by or before our anniversary, which is Saturday.  You may or may not be, but we know that it shouldn't be long now.

We have heard many say, and we've seen for ourselves, that adoption can sometimes be impossible for families due to the costs involved.  Couples who adopt from foster care don't have the same financial obstacles that others face.  We are still planning to do an adoption and orphan care fundraiser, though.  We will use money from this to do help local children in foster care and to help couples from other countries adopt locally.  It would be simply amazing if we could raise $1000 for this ministry.  We also plan to wear these T-shirts as a family when we go on our Disney trip.  Hopefully, this will also bring awareness to our cause.

We will be sharing the information on these shirts very soon.  View the shirt here ( https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=800455369984667&l=2e2fb46d47 )

I look forward to meeting you both very soon,
Mama

kNOw More Orphans

For Hope and Faith,

I can't remember if I've told you this before, so bare with me as I probably tell you again. (Get used to that, as your Daddy's biggest pet peeve about me is that I repeat myself.)

I am directly descended from two orphans (that I know of).  My grandmother, your great-grand, was an orphan by the age of six due to both of her parents dying. Her father died when she was only about 2 and her mother when she was six.  She was raised by distant relatives as one of their children but was never legally adopted. My father, your Pop, was raised in foster care like you were, but he left foster care at the age of 16 by getting married.  He was orphaned through the poor choices of his parents, and he was also never legally adopted.  However, they were both adopted by our Heavenly Father, through a price paid by Jesus on the cross.

Legally adopting you as our children is very important.  It is important to us, and we feel that it will be important to you.  However, your adoption into God's family is much more important.  This is something that your Daddy and I take very seriously.  We vow to raise you in a Christian home--to teach you about God's love and His Son, not just through his Word, though this is important, but by our actions.  We won't be perfect.  Only one person to walk the Earth ever was perfect, but we will continually strive to live Christ-like and to always remember that God is your true Father and that He has entrusted us with your care while we are on this Earth.  We also promise to continually grow in our Faith and in our lives as Christians and as parents.  To that end, even though we don't get credit for continuing education until our home study is final, we have been attending classes to learn more and grow.  This weekend, we are so blessed to be at the kNOw More Orphans conference in Birmingham, and it has truly been a blessing.  We are looking forward to getting our church more involved in an Orphan Care Ministry because we know this is part of the work God wants us to do with Marriages and Families.  And, I am currently working to arrange for us to attend the Christian Alliance for Orphans conference ( http://www.cafo.org ) in Chicago May 1-2, 2014.  It may be that I go to the meetings while Daddy spends time with the two of you and your brother and then we are all together during conference down time.  Regardless, I know that God has big plans for all of our family to share His love and to care for the most vulnerable among us.  May the love we have for God in our hearts always be reflected in our actions and in the actions of the children whose care He has entrusted to us.

We hope that one day you pass on your love and God's love, too.  May we have many grandchildren, and may at least some of them be born from your hearts.

Love you infinitely,
Mama

Faith, Hope, Princess Grace . . . And our destiny

For Hope and Faith,

I have so many things to share with you today.  Where to begin?

This past weekend an 18-year-old girl who we love very much spent the night with us.  We enjoyed our time with her and had felt an instant connection with her from the very first time we met her back in November.  She spoke to our GPS (foster and adoptive parents' class) about what it felt like to be in foster care from her perspective.  In December, she helped us cook for the Foster Parents' Association Christmas party, and we got to have dinner with her afterwards.  In early February, she went with me to a church event, and I got to stay with her while she recovered from being sick.  She expressed an interest in staying with us and becoming part of our forever family, and we would be honored for her to do this.  We know that the timing may not be right for her right now to become part of our family through adoption, but she will forever be our "Princess" Grace.  We will always have a home for her to come home to, and if one day the timing is right for her and she still wants to be a part of our family through legal adoption, we would love to have her.  We are going to find out if her brother can be placed in our home and if he wants to become part of our Forever Family.  Either way, she will always be part of our heart family and will always be your sister.  I think she will be a good role model for the two of you.  I always knew we would adopt several children, including some older children.

This leads me to another topic. 

So many people have been supportive of our desire to become foster and adoptive parents and SO many are praying for the both of you daily.  Very few people are surprised about our calling or plans to become foster and adoptive parents.  Those who are usually feel like your father would probably appreciate alone time with me or that we should just travel the world alone and enjoy each other.  These people must not have a clue that not only does your father LOVE and adore children and want to be a father again, but that he fell in love with me precisely because of how much I love and give to others--my mothering spirit.  I highly doubt that most people know that on our five-day honeymoon, we spent an entire day at an orphanage taking care of babies and children.  We both knew that orphan care was important to us even then.  My only regret about that is not doing more for them after we returned home.  I hope to one day take you and all of your siblings back and take supplies and help them with facilities maintenance and whatever else they need.

Your father and I were destined to adopt, and we feel we were destined to be your parents.  It won't be long now.  Our next (and hopefully final visit) with our new worker is late next week.  Eight days from now, we could know when we will meet you.  In the past ten months, we have learned to have Patience, Wisdom, Faith, and Hope.  Now, we also have our Grace.  A side note, Grace is also your father's nickname for me . . . so, your sister Grace is kind of named after me (and one of my favorite aunts).  We look forward to meeting you and holding you in our arms. 

Love always and forever,

Mama

The One That Got Away . . .

For Hope and Faith,

In writing my last post to you and in your father reading it back to me, I was finally able to shed tears for the one that got away.  Last Friday is when I first knew I would have to fight harder for you. Monday, I learned that the other sibling baby we were expecting (who was growing in another mommy's body) would never make it to our arms.  Now that I've emotionally dealt with all the ups-and-downs from the past week, I am finally able to grieve the loss of that baby for both the first mom and myself.  I believe there are other souls out there who will also be part of our family, so you will have more siblings.  Only God knows when or who, but it will happen.

I love you both and can hardly wait to hold you in my arms.

Love always and forever (143aaf),
Mama

Expecting?!?!

For Hope and Faith,

I read a term in an adoption book yesterday that led me to do some research.  The way "pre-adoption pregnancy" was described, I instantly identified.  First, from the moment I found out about you two, I started feeling as I had before each of my pregnancies--excited, a little nervous, ver much in love with the two people growing in my heart, and expectant.  I began going to the baby/toddler sections in stores intentionally.  Before, I would notice outfits I liked if I happened to pass through and wonder what the children I would one day adopt might look like or be like.  Occasionally, I would buy an outfit that was either such a good price or that I was sure I would want for my child one day.  That all seemed so abstract . . . One day.  One day could be soon or in the distant future.  One day could have been years from now, as it was for me years ago when I would pass by and see something that I could imagine one of my future children wearing.  After all, my youngest (biological or not) child now is thirteen, and the last time I was pregnant was eight years ago.  I'm sure eight years ago, I never would have dreamed that I would not be pregnant again or that it would take me eight more years to be getting a home study for my first adoption.  I imagined eight years ago that I would adopt by the age of thirty-three, yet that came and went.  

Back to the question I began to have as I did my research into "pre-adoptive pregnancy" . . .

As I read more about what people (especially mothers) call themselves who are adopting, I became sad.  I was sad that some biological mothers feel the need to deny adoptive mothers the use of the term "pre-adoptive pregnancy" or even "expecting."  Several of these women felt appalled that an adoptive mother, a woman who usually has no clue when she will see her child or knows only little, if anything, about that child would dare use the term "expecting."  They ascertained that this term was reserved for women who biologically carry a baby inside their bodies and know that in 38-42 weeks, they will give birth to a baby.  This is the part that made me sad.  See, I have had five babies to grow inside of my body.  I was betrayed by my body around 10-13 weeks of pregnancy three times.  By the definition these women had, I was never "expecting" these children.  By their definition, I certainly haven't been expecting either of you.  I'm not sad for myself because I know that just as I was expecting the other three babies that I lost, I am expecting the two of you, and if I were to lose you, I'm certain it will affect me similarly.  With two of those babies, I heard and saw a strong heartbeat, just as I know you have heartbeats.  You are no less real to me than those babies were.  And, although others might not agree, I personally think God has planned all along for you to be mine.  Even though this hasn't been easy, neither is pregnancy or labor, and we often appreciate even more those we have to fight for.  I fought for my other babies--the ones I lost and the ones I had--I fought for them before birth by doing the research myself to find out why my body kept betraying me and then demanding I be put on progesterone to give them a shot at survival.  I have also fought for your older brothers after birth through advocating for them and recently fighting to maintain joint custody.  And, I've fought for the two of you.  I've often wondered over the past almost three months if you could feel all those people praying for you, if you could feel your Daddy and me praying for you, and if you knew how much you are loved and wanted.  

I do acknowledge there is a difference in adoption that isn't there in all births in that there has to be a loss for one person in order for another to gain a child.  As I have lost three children and have lost part of myself to my ex-husband in order to gain your brothers, I know this does make a difference.  You two were not born to a mother who "expected" to lose you, as many children who are or will be adopted are; however, your first mom did experience a loss, a loss that must be grieved not only by her but by me.  I do grieve for her.  I also grieve for the two of you.  

And, many have asked me if I have met you yet or how do I really know I will love you and want you.  To them I say that I am "expecting" two girls, baby girls to me, though I am sure you think you are "big girls."  My longing for you is no different than my longing for your siblings, even the ones I gave birth to, because it would not have mattered what they looked like, what their special needs were, or what their personality was . . . I was expecting them, and they were mine.  I AM expecting you two, and you are mine, regardless.  Sure, a social worker can still decide you aren't and can never be legally mine, but I've already started growing you in my heart.  Just like the three babies I lost, if you never make it to my arms, you will still be mine, and I will love you forever.

Hoping, Praying, and Keeping Faith that I will see you both soon,

Mama

A-B-C...N!

For Hope and Faith,

"All is well. Breathe. Courage. Nurture." These were the main messages I received from God tonight.  I will breathe and have faith in God's plan for us to parent and nurture His children, and I will have courage to stand up against injustice.  As MLK, Jr. said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Today, we called our social worker as she had instructed us to do to set up our third and final home visit for the last week in February.  She told us that there were three people ahead of us and that she had to be gone for a week in February and a week in March for work, so she could not see us until March 28th, that was the soonest she could see us.  We have felt since the first time we met her that she didn't want us to have you two because it was a worker from another county who told us about you.  I'm usually pretty good at "reading" people and felt that she was trying to make a power play of control to show us she was in charge.  We do try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, though, and we prayed that God would allow us to look past our emotions and have empathy for this worker.  When we met her the second time (6 weeks later) and she still had not looked through our folder, called our references, or sent for our background checks from Colorado, we felt more sure that she was intent on us not becoming your parents.  Near the end of that second home visit, which we thought would be our last, she said that we would have one more in 6 weeks, just to make sure that everything was okay and that she would look through our file, call our references, and send for our background check from Colorado, as she still had not done that.  She told us to call her in four weeks to schedule an appointment for six weeks from then, the last week in February.  When we asked if we could call in a couple of weeks to set up something in three to four weeks, just to make sure we were on track, she said, "I could just deny you right now, but I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I don't think you're bad people, but I don't really know that."  It was then that we figured we better just keep our mouths shut and do things her way so that we didn't lose you.  I had read about other workers who decided the potential adoptive parents seemed too interested in a child or did not comply the way they wanted and failed their home study.  We complied, waited, and prayed.  Then, when we called today and it became evident that she does seem to be trying to keep us from getting you and still probably hasn't read our file, called our references, or gotten the other background check, we knew that we had to do something.  We were so scared of losing you.  Both meetings she told us that you two would not be available when she finished our home study, that she didn't want us to get hurt.  We think it was actually more of a promise.  The thing is, she didn't count on our love for you, or that your mother will never give up on her children.

We have now requested to pay for a private home study, as we feel that is the only way we will receive fair treatment in this county.  We will find out next week if we have to take this higher.  We know you are meant to be ours--on that front, All is well (or will be once we do what we need to) and that there will be hidden blessings from our being forced to stand up against injustice.  First, we have to Breathe and have the Courage to do what we know is right in order to get the reward of being able to Nurture you. A-B-C-N.

Who knows, the hidden blessing could be that we teach you to fight for what is right and good.  Stand up for what you believe in and those you love.  And, always expect the greater reward...God's reward.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweethearts!

Your advocate and champion,
Mom and Dad

Two-and-a-half Weeks

For Hope and Faith,

Two-and-a-half weeks.  In reality, that is such a short amount of time.  In the context of how long we have already been in this process of a home study, it really isn't that long . . . not really.  Part of me is so excited for how little time it really is--knowing that we could meet you both in less than three weeks and that we could have you stay overnight in less than four and have you here for real in only four weeks.  Part of me imagined all along that you'd both be here by our anniversary, March 15.

And even though I know you will be here, eventually, part of me can't help but think there will be some other excuse for why you can't be here yet--another home visit, more references to check (as if any of them were bad), something that hasn't been done yet for whatever reason.  The truth is that at this point, it is so far out of our hands.

And so we wait, patiently, prayerfully, for you both.  Today, I washed and put away some clothes I bought for you two.  We had a very dear friend's, like a sister's, children and new little puppy stay with us, and the boys and your brother enjoyed not going to school.  It was nice to have more children and little ones (the pup, who stayed in my robe most of the day and sleeps on my arm now) in the house.  It was nice to have others be grateful for all we try to do.

I pray you are here with us sooner rather than later.  I cannot wait to have you both in my arms and in your beds in your room in your forever home.  I'm sure that if you had any idea, you couldn't wait either.  I'll call about you again tomorrow. I'm sure they are quite tired of hearing from me, but I'll be persistent because in my heart, you are already mine, and that is what your mother does . . . she never stops praying for and advocating for, nurturing, and fighting for her babies.  Never.

Sweet dreams.
Mommy