For Hope and Faith,
In writing my last post to you and in your father reading it back to me, I was finally able to shed tears for the one that got away. Last Friday is when I first knew I would have to fight harder for you. Monday, I learned that the other sibling baby we were expecting (who was growing in another mommy's body) would never make it to our arms. Now that I've emotionally dealt with all the ups-and-downs from the past week, I am finally able to grieve the loss of that baby for both the first mom and myself. I believe there are other souls out there who will also be part of our family, so you will have more siblings. Only God knows when or who, but it will happen.
I love you both and can hardly wait to hold you in my arms.
Love always and forever (143aaf),
Mama
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Expecting?!?!
For Hope and Faith,
I read a term in an adoption book yesterday that led me to do some research. The way "pre-adoption pregnancy" was described, I instantly identified. First, from the moment I found out about you two, I started feeling as I had before each of my pregnancies--excited, a little nervous, ver much in love with the two people growing in my heart, and expectant. I began going to the baby/toddler sections in stores intentionally. Before, I would notice outfits I liked if I happened to pass through and wonder what the children I would one day adopt might look like or be like. Occasionally, I would buy an outfit that was either such a good price or that I was sure I would want for my child one day. That all seemed so abstract . . . One day. One day could be soon or in the distant future. One day could have been years from now, as it was for me years ago when I would pass by and see something that I could imagine one of my future children wearing. After all, my youngest (biological or not) child now is thirteen, and the last time I was pregnant was eight years ago. I'm sure eight years ago, I never would have dreamed that I would not be pregnant again or that it would take me eight more years to be getting a home study for my first adoption. I imagined eight years ago that I would adopt by the age of thirty-three, yet that came and went.
Back to the question I began to have as I did my research into "pre-adoptive pregnancy" . . .
As I read more about what people (especially mothers) call themselves who are adopting, I became sad. I was sad that some biological mothers feel the need to deny adoptive mothers the use of the term "pre-adoptive pregnancy" or even "expecting." Several of these women felt appalled that an adoptive mother, a woman who usually has no clue when she will see her child or knows only little, if anything, about that child would dare use the term "expecting." They ascertained that this term was reserved for women who biologically carry a baby inside their bodies and know that in 38-42 weeks, they will give birth to a baby. This is the part that made me sad. See, I have had five babies to grow inside of my body. I was betrayed by my body around 10-13 weeks of pregnancy three times. By the definition these women had, I was never "expecting" these children. By their definition, I certainly haven't been expecting either of you. I'm not sad for myself because I know that just as I was expecting the other three babies that I lost, I am expecting the two of you, and if I were to lose you, I'm certain it will affect me similarly. With two of those babies, I heard and saw a strong heartbeat, just as I know you have heartbeats. You are no less real to me than those babies were. And, although others might not agree, I personally think God has planned all along for you to be mine. Even though this hasn't been easy, neither is pregnancy or labor, and we often appreciate even more those we have to fight for. I fought for my other babies--the ones I lost and the ones I had--I fought for them before birth by doing the research myself to find out why my body kept betraying me and then demanding I be put on progesterone to give them a shot at survival. I have also fought for your older brothers after birth through advocating for them and recently fighting to maintain joint custody. And, I've fought for the two of you. I've often wondered over the past almost three months if you could feel all those people praying for you, if you could feel your Daddy and me praying for you, and if you knew how much you are loved and wanted.
I do acknowledge there is a difference in adoption that isn't there in all births in that there has to be a loss for one person in order for another to gain a child. As I have lost three children and have lost part of myself to my ex-husband in order to gain your brothers, I know this does make a difference. You two were not born to a mother who "expected" to lose you, as many children who are or will be adopted are; however, your first mom did experience a loss, a loss that must be grieved not only by her but by me. I do grieve for her. I also grieve for the two of you.
And, many have asked me if I have met you yet or how do I really know I will love you and want you. To them I say that I am "expecting" two girls, baby girls to me, though I am sure you think you are "big girls." My longing for you is no different than my longing for your siblings, even the ones I gave birth to, because it would not have mattered what they looked like, what their special needs were, or what their personality was . . . I was expecting them, and they were mine. I AM expecting you two, and you are mine, regardless. Sure, a social worker can still decide you aren't and can never be legally mine, but I've already started growing you in my heart. Just like the three babies I lost, if you never make it to my arms, you will still be mine, and I will love you forever.
Hoping, Praying, and Keeping Faith that I will see you both soon,
Mama
Friday, February 14, 2014
A-B-C...N!
For Hope and Faith,
"All is well. Breathe. Courage. Nurture." These were the main messages I received from God tonight. I will breathe and have faith in God's plan for us to parent and nurture His children, and I will have courage to stand up against injustice. As MLK, Jr. said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Today, we called our social worker as she had instructed us to do to set up our third and final home visit for the last week in February. She told us that there were three people ahead of us and that she had to be gone for a week in February and a week in March for work, so she could not see us until March 28th, that was the soonest she could see us. We have felt since the first time we met her that she didn't want us to have you two because it was a worker from another county who told us about you. I'm usually pretty good at "reading" people and felt that she was trying to make a power play of control to show us she was in charge. We do try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, though, and we prayed that God would allow us to look past our emotions and have empathy for this worker. When we met her the second time (6 weeks later) and she still had not looked through our folder, called our references, or sent for our background checks from Colorado, we felt more sure that she was intent on us not becoming your parents. Near the end of that second home visit, which we thought would be our last, she said that we would have one more in 6 weeks, just to make sure that everything was okay and that she would look through our file, call our references, and send for our background check from Colorado, as she still had not done that. She told us to call her in four weeks to schedule an appointment for six weeks from then, the last week in February. When we asked if we could call in a couple of weeks to set up something in three to four weeks, just to make sure we were on track, she said, "I could just deny you right now, but I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't think you're bad people, but I don't really know that." It was then that we figured we better just keep our mouths shut and do things her way so that we didn't lose you. I had read about other workers who decided the potential adoptive parents seemed too interested in a child or did not comply the way they wanted and failed their home study. We complied, waited, and prayed. Then, when we called today and it became evident that she does seem to be trying to keep us from getting you and still probably hasn't read our file, called our references, or gotten the other background check, we knew that we had to do something. We were so scared of losing you. Both meetings she told us that you two would not be available when she finished our home study, that she didn't want us to get hurt. We think it was actually more of a promise. The thing is, she didn't count on our love for you, or that your mother will never give up on her children.
We have now requested to pay for a private home study, as we feel that is the only way we will receive fair treatment in this county. We will find out next week if we have to take this higher. We know you are meant to be ours--on that front, All is well (or will be once we do what we need to) and that there will be hidden blessings from our being forced to stand up against injustice. First, we have to Breathe and have the Courage to do what we know is right in order to get the reward of being able to Nurture you. A-B-C-N.
Who knows, the hidden blessing could be that we teach you to fight for what is right and good. Stand up for what you believe in and those you love. And, always expect the greater reward...God's reward.
Happy Valentine's Day, Sweethearts!
Your advocate and champion,
Mom and Dad
"All is well. Breathe. Courage. Nurture." These were the main messages I received from God tonight. I will breathe and have faith in God's plan for us to parent and nurture His children, and I will have courage to stand up against injustice. As MLK, Jr. said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Today, we called our social worker as she had instructed us to do to set up our third and final home visit for the last week in February. She told us that there were three people ahead of us and that she had to be gone for a week in February and a week in March for work, so she could not see us until March 28th, that was the soonest she could see us. We have felt since the first time we met her that she didn't want us to have you two because it was a worker from another county who told us about you. I'm usually pretty good at "reading" people and felt that she was trying to make a power play of control to show us she was in charge. We do try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, though, and we prayed that God would allow us to look past our emotions and have empathy for this worker. When we met her the second time (6 weeks later) and she still had not looked through our folder, called our references, or sent for our background checks from Colorado, we felt more sure that she was intent on us not becoming your parents. Near the end of that second home visit, which we thought would be our last, she said that we would have one more in 6 weeks, just to make sure that everything was okay and that she would look through our file, call our references, and send for our background check from Colorado, as she still had not done that. She told us to call her in four weeks to schedule an appointment for six weeks from then, the last week in February. When we asked if we could call in a couple of weeks to set up something in three to four weeks, just to make sure we were on track, she said, "I could just deny you right now, but I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't think you're bad people, but I don't really know that." It was then that we figured we better just keep our mouths shut and do things her way so that we didn't lose you. I had read about other workers who decided the potential adoptive parents seemed too interested in a child or did not comply the way they wanted and failed their home study. We complied, waited, and prayed. Then, when we called today and it became evident that she does seem to be trying to keep us from getting you and still probably hasn't read our file, called our references, or gotten the other background check, we knew that we had to do something. We were so scared of losing you. Both meetings she told us that you two would not be available when she finished our home study, that she didn't want us to get hurt. We think it was actually more of a promise. The thing is, she didn't count on our love for you, or that your mother will never give up on her children.
We have now requested to pay for a private home study, as we feel that is the only way we will receive fair treatment in this county. We will find out next week if we have to take this higher. We know you are meant to be ours--on that front, All is well (or will be once we do what we need to) and that there will be hidden blessings from our being forced to stand up against injustice. First, we have to Breathe and have the Courage to do what we know is right in order to get the reward of being able to Nurture you. A-B-C-N.
Who knows, the hidden blessing could be that we teach you to fight for what is right and good. Stand up for what you believe in and those you love. And, always expect the greater reward...God's reward.
Happy Valentine's Day, Sweethearts!
Your advocate and champion,
Mom and Dad
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Two-and-a-half Weeks
For Hope and Faith,
Two-and-a-half weeks. In reality, that is such a short amount of time. In the context of how long we have already been in this process of a home study, it really isn't that long . . . not really. Part of me is so excited for how little time it really is--knowing that we could meet you both in less than three weeks and that we could have you stay overnight in less than four and have you here for real in only four weeks. Part of me imagined all along that you'd both be here by our anniversary, March 15.
And even though I know you will be here, eventually, part of me can't help but think there will be some other excuse for why you can't be here yet--another home visit, more references to check (as if any of them were bad), something that hasn't been done yet for whatever reason. The truth is that at this point, it is so far out of our hands.
And so we wait, patiently, prayerfully, for you both. Today, I washed and put away some clothes I bought for you two. We had a very dear friend's, like a sister's, children and new little puppy stay with us, and the boys and your brother enjoyed not going to school. It was nice to have more children and little ones (the pup, who stayed in my robe most of the day and sleeps on my arm now) in the house. It was nice to have others be grateful for all we try to do.
I pray you are here with us sooner rather than later. I cannot wait to have you both in my arms and in your beds in your room in your forever home. I'm sure that if you had any idea, you couldn't wait either. I'll call about you again tomorrow. I'm sure they are quite tired of hearing from me, but I'll be persistent because in my heart, you are already mine, and that is what your mother does . . . she never stops praying for and advocating for, nurturing, and fighting for her babies. Never.
Sweet dreams.
Mommy
Two-and-a-half weeks. In reality, that is such a short amount of time. In the context of how long we have already been in this process of a home study, it really isn't that long . . . not really. Part of me is so excited for how little time it really is--knowing that we could meet you both in less than three weeks and that we could have you stay overnight in less than four and have you here for real in only four weeks. Part of me imagined all along that you'd both be here by our anniversary, March 15.
And even though I know you will be here, eventually, part of me can't help but think there will be some other excuse for why you can't be here yet--another home visit, more references to check (as if any of them were bad), something that hasn't been done yet for whatever reason. The truth is that at this point, it is so far out of our hands.
And so we wait, patiently, prayerfully, for you both. Today, I washed and put away some clothes I bought for you two. We had a very dear friend's, like a sister's, children and new little puppy stay with us, and the boys and your brother enjoyed not going to school. It was nice to have more children and little ones (the pup, who stayed in my robe most of the day and sleeps on my arm now) in the house. It was nice to have others be grateful for all we try to do.
I pray you are here with us sooner rather than later. I cannot wait to have you both in my arms and in your beds in your room in your forever home. I'm sure that if you had any idea, you couldn't wait either. I'll call about you again tomorrow. I'm sure they are quite tired of hearing from me, but I'll be persistent because in my heart, you are already mine, and that is what your mother does . . . she never stops praying for and advocating for, nurturing, and fighting for her babies. Never.
Sweet dreams.
Mommy
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Another sibling?
For Hope and Faith--
We got a call the other day and another call yesterday. There is a remote chance that not too long after you join our family, we may have another child or two join our family. One of the children, the one we got a call about, will be a baby. We do not know if the baby will be a little brother or sister, but if the baby comes to join our family, it will probably be in early fall. We are over-the-moon at the thought of having all of you in our home within less than a year. God is so good!
We know that you will love the baby and your other siblings, and we want you to know that this will not take anything away from you. We look so forward to having you both in our home and plan to spend at least a few weeks with just you two before any other siblings come. Of course, you may also have an older brother (he is 10--will be 11--and lives in South Carolina) before we go to Disney World. There is a chance that there could be 7-8 of us going for our family trip! We will all have matching shirts for at least one day, and we are already looking for the stroller we will use. We will be at Disney during my birthday, and this will probably be right before your adoption is final--it will be a celebration of our family growing! We have already started buying you both clothes to wear on the trip, for our family photo that we plan to have taken there, and for just every day! I want to take you both for a princess dinner in Cinderella's Castle (along with your older sister if she goes with us) on one of the days. Daddy and your brothers can hang out then. I cannot wait to share all that Disney World has to offer with you both!
We have so many plans of things to do with you both together, individually, and as a Family this summer. In addition to Disney, we will also go to a family church camp, go stay in Florida and help with the youth mission trip, go to the beach, and take a family trip somewhere--either out west or somewhere else. We will have a party to celebrate when you become ours forever. We will also dedicate you at church to God and take a vow to always support your spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational needs. I've already been looking for special dresses for you to wear for this day.
We are so excited to meet you and for you to join our Family, and we can hardly believe that could happen in less than a month! So many people have been praying for you both. We hope you feel the love.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
We got a call the other day and another call yesterday. There is a remote chance that not too long after you join our family, we may have another child or two join our family. One of the children, the one we got a call about, will be a baby. We do not know if the baby will be a little brother or sister, but if the baby comes to join our family, it will probably be in early fall. We are over-the-moon at the thought of having all of you in our home within less than a year. God is so good!
We know that you will love the baby and your other siblings, and we want you to know that this will not take anything away from you. We look so forward to having you both in our home and plan to spend at least a few weeks with just you two before any other siblings come. Of course, you may also have an older brother (he is 10--will be 11--and lives in South Carolina) before we go to Disney World. There is a chance that there could be 7-8 of us going for our family trip! We will all have matching shirts for at least one day, and we are already looking for the stroller we will use. We will be at Disney during my birthday, and this will probably be right before your adoption is final--it will be a celebration of our family growing! We have already started buying you both clothes to wear on the trip, for our family photo that we plan to have taken there, and for just every day! I want to take you both for a princess dinner in Cinderella's Castle (along with your older sister if she goes with us) on one of the days. Daddy and your brothers can hang out then. I cannot wait to share all that Disney World has to offer with you both!
We have so many plans of things to do with you both together, individually, and as a Family this summer. In addition to Disney, we will also go to a family church camp, go stay in Florida and help with the youth mission trip, go to the beach, and take a family trip somewhere--either out west or somewhere else. We will have a party to celebrate when you become ours forever. We will also dedicate you at church to God and take a vow to always support your spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational needs. I've already been looking for special dresses for you to wear for this day.
We are so excited to meet you and for you to join our Family, and we can hardly believe that could happen in less than a month! So many people have been praying for you both. We hope you feel the love.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
Sunday, February 2, 2014
You Are Always On My Mind . . .
For Hope and Faith,
I have had a hard time writing to you this week because there was so much I wanted to tell you. I want to tell you about your names, your bedroom, and our upcoming family trip to Disney World and of how preparing for you to both be in our home mostly keeps my mind off the fact that you aren't here yet. I say mostly because I do wonder if you are both happy where you are now, if you are sick from all the colds and flu going around or healthy, and if the mom with you now prays over you, sings to you, and loves you unconditionally. This week I wondered if you both got to play in the snow and if you had winter coats. I also wonder if we should keep the things we've bought you until you arrive or if we should send them to you. You will probably both get tired of dressing alike, but you are so close in age that I mostly bought similar outfits in different sizes. Of course, even though you are slightly different ages, you may be he same size. I wonder if you will both know how much you are loved and if you will even want to be here. We will remain patient even after you come, and we will continue to show you both unconditional love. It's just over four weeks now until it will have been six weeks since our last visit with the social worker (just over three weeks since the appointment we had with her). That means we should be calling her late this week or early next week to schedule our final visit with her. During these times between the visits, she is supposed to be finalizing our background checks and talking to our references. We are hoping that we can meet you both in about four to five weeks and that you could be in our home in six weeks. It has seemed like so long, even though I know it isn't. Having my babies in my heart and waiting to see their faces and feel their arms around my neck is like when I had babies in my womb and was waiting to see them. Never, ever, ever think that you aren't loved just as much, wanted just as much, or thought of the same as your brothers or sisters. Also, know that you will have more brothers and sisters, too, as we want to adopt other children as well. We believe that love is multiplied, not divided.
I'm getting excited to see you soon!
Love,
Mama
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