Expecting?!?!

For Hope and Faith,

I read a term in an adoption book yesterday that led me to do some research.  The way "pre-adoption pregnancy" was described, I instantly identified.  First, from the moment I found out about you two, I started feeling as I had before each of my pregnancies--excited, a little nervous, ver much in love with the two people growing in my heart, and expectant.  I began going to the baby/toddler sections in stores intentionally.  Before, I would notice outfits I liked if I happened to pass through and wonder what the children I would one day adopt might look like or be like.  Occasionally, I would buy an outfit that was either such a good price or that I was sure I would want for my child one day.  That all seemed so abstract . . . One day.  One day could be soon or in the distant future.  One day could have been years from now, as it was for me years ago when I would pass by and see something that I could imagine one of my future children wearing.  After all, my youngest (biological or not) child now is thirteen, and the last time I was pregnant was eight years ago.  I'm sure eight years ago, I never would have dreamed that I would not be pregnant again or that it would take me eight more years to be getting a home study for my first adoption.  I imagined eight years ago that I would adopt by the age of thirty-three, yet that came and went.  

Back to the question I began to have as I did my research into "pre-adoptive pregnancy" . . .

As I read more about what people (especially mothers) call themselves who are adopting, I became sad.  I was sad that some biological mothers feel the need to deny adoptive mothers the use of the term "pre-adoptive pregnancy" or even "expecting."  Several of these women felt appalled that an adoptive mother, a woman who usually has no clue when she will see her child or knows only little, if anything, about that child would dare use the term "expecting."  They ascertained that this term was reserved for women who biologically carry a baby inside their bodies and know that in 38-42 weeks, they will give birth to a baby.  This is the part that made me sad.  See, I have had five babies to grow inside of my body.  I was betrayed by my body around 10-13 weeks of pregnancy three times.  By the definition these women had, I was never "expecting" these children.  By their definition, I certainly haven't been expecting either of you.  I'm not sad for myself because I know that just as I was expecting the other three babies that I lost, I am expecting the two of you, and if I were to lose you, I'm certain it will affect me similarly.  With two of those babies, I heard and saw a strong heartbeat, just as I know you have heartbeats.  You are no less real to me than those babies were.  And, although others might not agree, I personally think God has planned all along for you to be mine.  Even though this hasn't been easy, neither is pregnancy or labor, and we often appreciate even more those we have to fight for.  I fought for my other babies--the ones I lost and the ones I had--I fought for them before birth by doing the research myself to find out why my body kept betraying me and then demanding I be put on progesterone to give them a shot at survival.  I have also fought for your older brothers after birth through advocating for them and recently fighting to maintain joint custody.  And, I've fought for the two of you.  I've often wondered over the past almost three months if you could feel all those people praying for you, if you could feel your Daddy and me praying for you, and if you knew how much you are loved and wanted.  

I do acknowledge there is a difference in adoption that isn't there in all births in that there has to be a loss for one person in order for another to gain a child.  As I have lost three children and have lost part of myself to my ex-husband in order to gain your brothers, I know this does make a difference.  You two were not born to a mother who "expected" to lose you, as many children who are or will be adopted are; however, your first mom did experience a loss, a loss that must be grieved not only by her but by me.  I do grieve for her.  I also grieve for the two of you.  

And, many have asked me if I have met you yet or how do I really know I will love you and want you.  To them I say that I am "expecting" two girls, baby girls to me, though I am sure you think you are "big girls."  My longing for you is no different than my longing for your siblings, even the ones I gave birth to, because it would not have mattered what they looked like, what their special needs were, or what their personality was . . . I was expecting them, and they were mine.  I AM expecting you two, and you are mine, regardless.  Sure, a social worker can still decide you aren't and can never be legally mine, but I've already started growing you in my heart.  Just like the three babies I lost, if you never make it to my arms, you will still be mine, and I will love you forever.

Hoping, Praying, and Keeping Faith that I will see you both soon,

Mama